One of the major ways I have been affected by my husbands affair is that I am uber sensitive to situations where infidelity and temptation are apparent. After I found out about the affair I asked my husband if I could talk to Lola. I wanted to do this because I was angry at here. VERY angry. Thoughts would pop in my mind of running into her and calling her every bad name that fit her in the book. I wanted to rip into her like I have never ripped in to someone before and I did not like this feeling. I felt the only way I could get peace about it was to talk to her. So after talking to my husband and assuring him that I was not going to yell, scream or swear at her he agreed that I could. (the conversation with her is a whole different blog). In this conversations Lola said to me (in a sad voice not a proud one) "It was easy because I did not view you as a person." Ouch!!! These words hit me every time I hear of people being tempted, people tempting and infidelity situations. And I want to cry for who ever it is.
My pain is so real that I wish that no one else in the world has to go through what I am going through. Granted my marriage is on the path to recovery, I still would not wish this heart ache on anyone in the world. Not even Lola. This weekend I was with a group of friends and one of the young women in the group was telling a story about how someone asked her to wear less revealing clothes in a particular group setting. She was very upset and said "I've got great boobs and I deserve to flaunt them." This statement makes me so sad. Why would we want to set up others to be tempted and maybe even hurt others in the process. Now I am not saying she needs to wear turtle necks and potato sacks, but to have that attitude and wake up in the morning saying I am going to show off my boobs because I deserve to makes me sad. It makes me think of how we don't see others as human beings, as people who sin, as people who work hard to succeed in or relationships with others and God and people who feel the same things we do and are tempted just like us. I too am guilty of this at times, but I pray that my eyes are open to this and I can serve others not tempt others. I want to help others to live for today.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
You and Me
You and me, me and you
there's so much we've been through,
through it all I've come to understand God's love.
And if tomorrow never comes,
Know this twice, just know this once.
Knowing you has made me able to go on.
You and me, me and you
there couldn't be a better two.
to be blessed and to know the meaning of true love.
And if you leave me I feel scared,
fall apart so unprepared.
But I dare to make it through all on my own.
Yes I dare to make it through on my own.
~Rose Thomas
You and Me
there's so much we've been through,
through it all I've come to understand God's love.
And if tomorrow never comes,
Know this twice, just know this once.
Knowing you has made me able to go on.
You and me, me and you
there couldn't be a better two.
to be blessed and to know the meaning of true love.
And if you leave me I feel scared,
fall apart so unprepared.
But I dare to make it through all on my own.
Yes I dare to make it through on my own.
~Rose Thomas
You and Me
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Reality vs Positivity
One of the most common things I hear from people, which is really hard for me to hear is... "it will work if your husband wants it to." I know that this statement is true, but maybe it is the control freak in me coming out that hurts when people say this. I choose to stay hopeful, but when I hear statements like this it is as though a little piece of my hope is taken away. I know we both have to be depending on God and growing closer to God TOGETHER in order for this to work.
The odd thing is that when I first found out I had all the hope in the world, but my husband did not. He did not know if this was going to work out or not. I was the one pushing forward, begging to give it a chance and saying that I would not give up. Now you are probably thinking "what is so odd with that?" Well in society today I am taught that he should be the one begging and he should be the one working hard. I was conflicted by this. Then I realized that it is not one or the other person who should be working harder than the other or who should be entitled to the role of coasting along, we both have to work hard together at it. Therefore when people say to me "It will work if your husband wants it to" it puts doubt in my mind that no matter how hard I am working, or how hard we are working together now, one day if he decides it is too much work that's it. Due to this I get conflicted by being positive and looking forward and thinking that we can make it through it and reality which is saying I only can control my actions and that my husband can decide that it is too much work and there is nothing I can do about it.
I do choose hope and positivity but know I can't dismiss reality. "Let us hold firmly to the hope we confessed, because we trust God to do what he promised." Hebrews 10:23 I know I can not refute the word of God and that is a daily comfort and reassurance to me. I also look at the amazing direction my marriage is going in and choose to be positive. My husband tells me he loves me everyday, he puts is arm around me, he kisses me first and she has a smile I have not seen in a long time when he looks at me. These things I can not look past and I am happy for that and thank God daily. My husband and I have also been praying every night together, which is something that has not happened in a long time. God is amazing and I pray that he helps me to focus on his power, blessings and promises for my life and marriage, because the only thing I can do is live for today.
The odd thing is that when I first found out I had all the hope in the world, but my husband did not. He did not know if this was going to work out or not. I was the one pushing forward, begging to give it a chance and saying that I would not give up. Now you are probably thinking "what is so odd with that?" Well in society today I am taught that he should be the one begging and he should be the one working hard. I was conflicted by this. Then I realized that it is not one or the other person who should be working harder than the other or who should be entitled to the role of coasting along, we both have to work hard together at it. Therefore when people say to me "It will work if your husband wants it to" it puts doubt in my mind that no matter how hard I am working, or how hard we are working together now, one day if he decides it is too much work that's it. Due to this I get conflicted by being positive and looking forward and thinking that we can make it through it and reality which is saying I only can control my actions and that my husband can decide that it is too much work and there is nothing I can do about it.
I do choose hope and positivity but know I can't dismiss reality. "Let us hold firmly to the hope we confessed, because we trust God to do what he promised." Hebrews 10:23 I know I can not refute the word of God and that is a daily comfort and reassurance to me. I also look at the amazing direction my marriage is going in and choose to be positive. My husband tells me he loves me everyday, he puts is arm around me, he kisses me first and she has a smile I have not seen in a long time when he looks at me. These things I can not look past and I am happy for that and thank God daily. My husband and I have also been praying every night together, which is something that has not happened in a long time. God is amazing and I pray that he helps me to focus on his power, blessings and promises for my life and marriage, because the only thing I can do is live for today.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A sigh of relief. I am not Crazy
So over the past year and a half the connection between my husband and I has been "off". We were two people living in one place, but really living two different lives. I would ask questions like "why is it that we don't spend time together anymore?", or say that "I feel that I am not a priority in your life." My husband would not reply with much to say. I even went as far as to ask "are you having an affair?" (even though I did not know with who, I just had that nagging feeling) and "if you ever had and affair would you tell me?". The answers to those questions were "No I would never I am not that kind of person" and "I think I would". Like I said I felt something was off, but was reassured there wasn't. I thought "am I going crazy, why am I paranoid, why am I jealous of other people in his life and why can't I shake this feeling?"
Lets back up a bit and let me explain why I felt this way. My husband would often ask me around 10pm. "so are you going to go to bed." I would say "why? do you want me to go to bed?" he would say defensively "No, I am not saying you have to go to bed." Then I would give in out of frustration and go to bed. He would say good night, "tuck me in" and then say "I am going to go study elsewhere, ok? This happened nightly. (Come to find out he was going over Lola's place.) These nightly rituals he and I had gotten accustom to made me feel absolutely crazy.
Another instance was that I (in a moment of panic and snooping) read his text messages because of unusually behavior on his part. Where I found messages from Lola saying "hey I am in town do you want to meat up?" My husband says "sure I will leave work early so we can get together." I confronted him about these texts due to the fact that, 1. I had told him 8 months earlier that I was not comfortable with him hanging out with Lola and 2. I was unaware that after that conversation 8 months earlier him and Lola were even friends. I also found condoms in his work bag. So upon confronting him he reassured me that they just talked on the street about her health, and that the condoms were for a add that he was doing for work. (he worked in a company where that would make complete sense). The next day he e-mailed me the add that he had been working on. Again I felt crazy. Once the affair came out I asked him about this situation. And yes they were still having the affair at this time and no he was not making an add for work. He made a fake add to show me, to cover up the lie.
Many other things have come out slowly through out this past month. And it amazes me and it is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are so many events, friends and moments that I don't even know about in my husbands life. And I really wish I could have been given the privilege to be apart of them.
I have come to realise that the past year my husband has made me think that I was crazy because he was trying to hide. Yet at the same time if I found out the truth in those moments of me asking questioning and snooping, I often wonder would I truly have been able to handle it? It makes me marvel at God's power, knowing that he has been with me through all the above struggles and showed them to me at a time when I had peace in him and could breath a sign of relief knowing I am not crazy.
Lets back up a bit and let me explain why I felt this way. My husband would often ask me around 10pm. "so are you going to go to bed." I would say "why? do you want me to go to bed?" he would say defensively "No, I am not saying you have to go to bed." Then I would give in out of frustration and go to bed. He would say good night, "tuck me in" and then say "I am going to go study elsewhere, ok? This happened nightly. (Come to find out he was going over Lola's place.) These nightly rituals he and I had gotten accustom to made me feel absolutely crazy.
Another instance was that I (in a moment of panic and snooping) read his text messages because of unusually behavior on his part. Where I found messages from Lola saying "hey I am in town do you want to meat up?" My husband says "sure I will leave work early so we can get together." I confronted him about these texts due to the fact that, 1. I had told him 8 months earlier that I was not comfortable with him hanging out with Lola and 2. I was unaware that after that conversation 8 months earlier him and Lola were even friends. I also found condoms in his work bag. So upon confronting him he reassured me that they just talked on the street about her health, and that the condoms were for a add that he was doing for work. (he worked in a company where that would make complete sense). The next day he e-mailed me the add that he had been working on. Again I felt crazy. Once the affair came out I asked him about this situation. And yes they were still having the affair at this time and no he was not making an add for work. He made a fake add to show me, to cover up the lie.
Many other things have come out slowly through out this past month. And it amazes me and it is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are so many events, friends and moments that I don't even know about in my husbands life. And I really wish I could have been given the privilege to be apart of them.
I have come to realise that the past year my husband has made me think that I was crazy because he was trying to hide. Yet at the same time if I found out the truth in those moments of me asking questioning and snooping, I often wonder would I truly have been able to handle it? It makes me marvel at God's power, knowing that he has been with me through all the above struggles and showed them to me at a time when I had peace in him and could breath a sign of relief knowing I am not crazy.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Love
As I sit here tonight and think about my husband all I feel is my deep love for him.
Dear God,
I pray that you show me how to serve my husband and be the wife you intended on me being for him. Let us grow in our marriage and center it around you and your word. God please help us to fall in love with each other all over again. Fall in love in a way that only you know and understand.
Amen
Dear God,
I pray that you show me how to serve my husband and be the wife you intended on me being for him. Let us grow in our marriage and center it around you and your word. God please help us to fall in love with each other all over again. Fall in love in a way that only you know and understand.
Amen
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Peace that Passes Understanding
Dear God- Please be with me as I share my story. Let it be for healing not for holding a grudge. Give me clarity and wisdom. Help me to share my story with others and to show others how you have blessed me through my struggles. I pray that I glorify you in all I do. Amen
I will start in the middle of my story, because that is what is on my mind most often. About a month ago I found a letter that my husband had written to another women which showed he was having an affair. (We will call this woman Lola because "what ever Lola wants, Lola gets. A little man, little Lola wants you.) After reading this letter I asked my husband to come into the office. I then told him what I had found. We then went up to our bedroom to talk since our house was occupied by friends. Some would think, perfect timing...great a house full of people and that is when she found out. I look back on it and I am very happy that we were not alone. It allowed us to talk through things without getting loud and upset. (God's plan) In the bedroom my husband confessed to having an affair. I did not cry, I did not yell, I did not get angry, for some reason I was at peace. I had a feeling that this to shall pass and God will bless our marriage through this. This is something that both my husband and I were not expecting. I was brought up to think that men are evil and all men are going to do this. But instead of acting in anger I had peace. PEACE. The only thing I know is that that peace came from God.
After talking for a bit I got a little more information out of my husband and that information being that it was a sexual affair. This is the part that haunts me the most to this day. Picture your husband looking into your eyes and saying that there is no other place he would rather be. Think of him holding you in bed and not wanting to let go. Hear him say "I love you, you are the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world". Now take yourself out of the picture and replace it with another woman. That is what pops into my head everyday. Even though I have these thoughts, I know that through God I have the strength to over come these thoughts, strengthen my marriage and to give us peace.
So within the first fifteen minutes of my life changing due to this news I can to realise that God has a plan that passes my understanding and I need to live for today.
I will start in the middle of my story, because that is what is on my mind most often. About a month ago I found a letter that my husband had written to another women which showed he was having an affair. (We will call this woman Lola because "what ever Lola wants, Lola gets. A little man, little Lola wants you.) After reading this letter I asked my husband to come into the office. I then told him what I had found. We then went up to our bedroom to talk since our house was occupied by friends. Some would think, perfect timing...great a house full of people and that is when she found out. I look back on it and I am very happy that we were not alone. It allowed us to talk through things without getting loud and upset. (God's plan) In the bedroom my husband confessed to having an affair. I did not cry, I did not yell, I did not get angry, for some reason I was at peace. I had a feeling that this to shall pass and God will bless our marriage through this. This is something that both my husband and I were not expecting. I was brought up to think that men are evil and all men are going to do this. But instead of acting in anger I had peace. PEACE. The only thing I know is that that peace came from God.
After talking for a bit I got a little more information out of my husband and that information being that it was a sexual affair. This is the part that haunts me the most to this day. Picture your husband looking into your eyes and saying that there is no other place he would rather be. Think of him holding you in bed and not wanting to let go. Hear him say "I love you, you are the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world". Now take yourself out of the picture and replace it with another woman. That is what pops into my head everyday. Even though I have these thoughts, I know that through God I have the strength to over come these thoughts, strengthen my marriage and to give us peace.
So within the first fifteen minutes of my life changing due to this news I can to realise that God has a plan that passes my understanding and I need to live for today.
I Am In The Here And Now
Often times it is so easy to get wrapped up in thinking about the mysterious and scary uncertainties of the future and wallow in the pain of the past. These are two things I struggle with every single day of my life. It have this weird struggle inside of me. I want to throw a pity party for myself and I want someone to say "hey, I am so sorry for the things that have happened to you. You don't deserve it and your story is the saddest story I have ever heard." but at the same time just writing that seems absolutely ridiculous. Why would I want to be in that place? Why should I dwell in the past when I can not do anything to change it. Don't get me wrong I know that it is a part of me and I will carry it with me where ever I go, but I can't change it.
On the other end of the spectrum I often sit an worry about the future. I get panicked knowing that God has the ability to take everything away from me. The weird pull there is that I know in my heart that God would not do anything to harm me in the big picture of things. Everything God brings in my life is to glorify him and to bring me closer to him.
Everyday I read a daily thought from the book "Grace For The Moment" by Max Lucado. Let me share with you the thought for yesterday titled The Choice Is Ours
" 'I will make you my promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you my love and mercy.' Hosea 2:19
For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until he wins him back.
God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; he'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and him, he will take all but one. But he will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you his. His goal it not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need. ~A Gentle Thunder"
I read that and know that it is not my place in life to focus on the pain of my past or panic about the uncertainty of my future. My purpose is to focus on glorifying God with my life. I choose to share my story to better understand the power, grace and love God has for me. So here is to glorifying God and living for today.
On the other end of the spectrum I often sit an worry about the future. I get panicked knowing that God has the ability to take everything away from me. The weird pull there is that I know in my heart that God would not do anything to harm me in the big picture of things. Everything God brings in my life is to glorify him and to bring me closer to him.
Everyday I read a daily thought from the book "Grace For The Moment" by Max Lucado. Let me share with you the thought for yesterday titled The Choice Is Ours
" 'I will make you my promised bride forever. I will be good and fair; I will show you my love and mercy.' Hosea 2:19
For all its peculiarities and unevenness, the Bible has a simple story. God made man. Man rejected God. God won't give up until he wins him back.
God will whisper. He will shout. He will touch and tug. He will take away our burdens; he'll even take away our blessings. If there are a thousand steps between us and him, he will take all but one. But he will leave the final one for us. The choice is ours.
Please understand. His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you his. His goal it not to get you what you want; it is to get you what you need. ~A Gentle Thunder"
I read that and know that it is not my place in life to focus on the pain of my past or panic about the uncertainty of my future. My purpose is to focus on glorifying God with my life. I choose to share my story to better understand the power, grace and love God has for me. So here is to glorifying God and living for today.
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