A sigh of relief. I am not Crazy

So over the past year and a half the connection between my husband and I has been "off". We were two people living in one place, but really living two different lives. I would ask questions like "why is it that we don't spend time together anymore?", or say that "I feel that I am not a priority in your life." My husband would not reply with much to say. I even went as far as to ask "are you having an affair?" (even though I did not know with who, I just had that nagging feeling) and "if you ever had and affair would you tell me?". The answers to those questions were "No I would never I am not that kind of person" and "I think I would". Like I said I felt something was off, but was reassured there wasn't. I thought "am I going crazy, why am I paranoid, why am I jealous of other people in his life and why can't I shake this feeling?"

Lets back up a bit and let me explain why I felt this way. My husband would often ask me around 10pm. "so are you going to go to bed." I would say "why? do you want me to go to bed?" he would say defensively "No, I am not saying you have to go to bed." Then I would give in out of frustration and go to bed. He would say good night, "tuck me in" and then say "I am going to go study elsewhere, ok? This happened nightly. (Come to find out he was going over Lola's place.) These nightly rituals he and I had gotten accustom to made me feel absolutely crazy.

Another instance was that I (in a moment of panic and snooping) read his text messages because of unusually behavior on his part. Where I found messages from Lola saying "hey I am in town do you want to meat up?" My husband says "sure I will leave work early so we can get together." I confronted him about these texts due to the fact that, 1. I had told him 8 months earlier that I was not comfortable with him hanging out with Lola and 2. I was unaware that after that conversation 8 months earlier him and Lola were even friends. I also found condoms in his work bag. So upon confronting him he reassured me that they just talked on the street about her health, and that the condoms were for a add that he was doing for work. (he worked in a company where that would make complete sense). The next day he e-mailed me the add that he had been working on. Again I felt crazy. Once the affair came out I asked him about this situation. And yes they were still having the affair at this time and no he was not making an add for work. He made a fake add to show me, to cover up the lie.

Many other things have come out slowly through out this past month. And it amazes me and it is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there are so many events, friends and moments that I don't even know about in my husbands life. And I really wish I could have been given the privilege to be apart of them.

I have come to realise that the past year my husband has made me think that I was crazy because he was trying to hide. Yet at the same time if I found out the truth in those moments of me asking questioning and snooping, I often wonder would I truly have been able to handle it? It makes me marvel at God's power, knowing that he has been with me through all the above struggles and showed them to me at a time when I had peace in him and could breath a sign of relief knowing I am not crazy.